Read about my 21st birthday HERE. It may surprise you.
http://mckenziestewartphotography.blogspot.com/2012/06/21-acts-of-kindness.html
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Visits from Family
I've talked about the Tillotson's a lot and they have helped me adjust to life outside of my bubble by becoming a family and befriending me. And I am so grateful for that.
But I thrive on these visits from my parents and I am so excited that Tanner is coming with them this time. Tanner is 6 years younger than me but he is the closest to me, in age and relationship. My older brothers are close in age, so as I child I made friends in my baby brother. I eventually learned that picking on him wasn't the best way to strengthen our relationship and now I think he might actually like me. I'm super excited to see him and my parents. The puppies will be excited too :)
Tomorrow's Post: "Throwback Thursday: My 21st Birthday"
Monday, December 3, 2012
A Personal look into our Marriage
My husband is severely hearing impaired. Also known as deaf. He's been deaf since he was a baby. He wears hearing aids to help hear, but theres only so much they can do.
I'm pretty sure that our marriage has struggles that others may not have. Have you ever said to your husband "You're not listening to me!" which he may have responded with "Yes I am." Well it's a little different for us when we're signing to each other and he turns his back to me mid conversation. How do you "listen" to sign language when you're looking at your computer instead of the person. The problem that I face most of the time, is that other people watch us and analyze our relationship. It's easy to judge somebody when you don't understand them. If somebody were to watch that situation, they won't not see that I was mid sentence when he decided to ignore me, all they see is that I'm frustrated.
When I need to tell something to Ben without announcing it to the entire room, I have to sign. Talking quietly in his ear or whispering doesn't work, he won't get anything I say. I understand that when we sign to each other in front of friends and family, you feel its rude. Very rude. But we feel it's rude when you whisper to another person, or even talk quietly out of earshot. How is it any different? Sometimes I want to tell something to Ben without announcing it to everyone, like I forgot my tampon at home, just like you want to whisper sometimes. We're not talking smack behind your back. Our options are either talk very loudly or sign.
One way I have found to relate to Ben and try to understand his hearing lose is by putting on head phones, turning up the music, and try to listen to people talking around me. I can hear their mumbles, but it's impossible for me to make out anything their saying. Especially when they're not facing me. This is why it's important to look at Ben when you talk to him. I think it's absolutely incredible that Ben can make out words from the mumbles he hears. And he can't be sure he ever understands what you said at all when you're not looking at him. So sometimes he has to take his best guess. If he had to ask you to repeat yourself after every sentence, you would both get tired of that very fast, so sometimes when he has no idea what you said, he just nods along hoping he'll catch something so he can pretend to understand. Many times I'll tell him something or ask him to do something and he replies with "I love you too". I then get a second chance to change my request or forget my criticism.
In addition to hearing the world as mumbles he can't here high pitches or certain sounds like ch, th, or s. Unfortunately he seems to not be able to hear the word "don't" very well. Which can cause many problems, especially when I'm asking him to specifically not to do something. He also has a hard time hearing alarms or timers, so I have to tell him when the oven timer goes off or if the fire alarm is beeping.
This hearing lose makes it hard working in a kitchen where things beep and people yell out "hot pan" when they're walking behind you with something that could do a lot of damage. Ben had a very hard time finding an internship in Las Vegas, once the employer found out he was deaf. He would volunteer to work for free and just take out the trash and still people would turn him away. I am so proud of him for landing his awesome internship at one of Disney World's top restaurants! Citricos is voted number 3 in Disney's top restaurants, neck and neck with number 2. Over 200 people applied for the internship from the Las Vegas Le Cordon Bleu alone, and Ben is the only one who got it, and not only did he get a Disney internship, but he's at one of Disney's very best restaurants. Then when he expressed interest in staying at Citricos after his internship, he was hired on as full time! An accomplishment few interns pull off. I am so proud of Ben! And I am one lucky wife!
I'm pretty sure that our marriage has struggles that others may not have. Have you ever said to your husband "You're not listening to me!" which he may have responded with "Yes I am." Well it's a little different for us when we're signing to each other and he turns his back to me mid conversation. How do you "listen" to sign language when you're looking at your computer instead of the person. The problem that I face most of the time, is that other people watch us and analyze our relationship. It's easy to judge somebody when you don't understand them. If somebody were to watch that situation, they won't not see that I was mid sentence when he decided to ignore me, all they see is that I'm frustrated.
When I need to tell something to Ben without announcing it to the entire room, I have to sign. Talking quietly in his ear or whispering doesn't work, he won't get anything I say. I understand that when we sign to each other in front of friends and family, you feel its rude. Very rude. But we feel it's rude when you whisper to another person, or even talk quietly out of earshot. How is it any different? Sometimes I want to tell something to Ben without announcing it to everyone, like I forgot my tampon at home, just like you want to whisper sometimes. We're not talking smack behind your back. Our options are either talk very loudly or sign.
One way I have found to relate to Ben and try to understand his hearing lose is by putting on head phones, turning up the music, and try to listen to people talking around me. I can hear their mumbles, but it's impossible for me to make out anything their saying. Especially when they're not facing me. This is why it's important to look at Ben when you talk to him. I think it's absolutely incredible that Ben can make out words from the mumbles he hears. And he can't be sure he ever understands what you said at all when you're not looking at him. So sometimes he has to take his best guess. If he had to ask you to repeat yourself after every sentence, you would both get tired of that very fast, so sometimes when he has no idea what you said, he just nods along hoping he'll catch something so he can pretend to understand. Many times I'll tell him something or ask him to do something and he replies with "I love you too". I then get a second chance to change my request or forget my criticism.
In addition to hearing the world as mumbles he can't here high pitches or certain sounds like ch, th, or s. Unfortunately he seems to not be able to hear the word "don't" very well. Which can cause many problems, especially when I'm asking him to specifically not to do something. He also has a hard time hearing alarms or timers, so I have to tell him when the oven timer goes off or if the fire alarm is beeping.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
"My New Life"
I recently read the book " Heaven is Here" which I consider to be a must read. It's the story of Stephanie Nielsen written by Stephanie Nielsen. Stephanie survived a plane crash with 80% of her skinned burned off. If you ever want to stop feeling bad for yourself, read her story. Here is a short video summing up her journey and the lesson you should learn from it. Stephanie also is the author of the blog of nienie diaries.
Tomorrow's Post: "A Personal look into our Marriage"
Tomorrow's Post: "A Personal look into our Marriage"
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Ben's Story
Ben was born and raised in Las Vegas. After birth, Ben had a seizure which caused a significant hearing lose.
Ben graduated from Del Sol High School then went on a two year mission to San Francisco, CA for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
Within a month of being home from his mission, Ben and I met and we were married one year later.
Ben started and completed 2 years of school in hopes of becoming a teacher, but with the teacher hire freeze, he decided to pursue other career choices until a teacher career might be a possibility. Ben always wanted to be either a teacher or a chef. So Ben and I went and attended a tour of the Le Cordon Bleu culinary school. Ben fell in love with the school and was enrolled in the next semester.
He had to put in much additional work, but Ben was able to complete his schooling at Le Cordon Bleu without any special assistance. Even so, Ben had a hard time finding an employer willing to take on a deaf chef for his required internship. The kitchen works in a way where commands and orders are yelled out and when a hot pan or plate is passing behind you, a verbal warning is given. So not being able to hear the oven timers was not his only struggle. Even when Ben volunteered to work for free as an intern, employers would not even consider him.
Ben eventually found Ventano italian grill in Henderson and they allowed Ben to work as an unpaid intern. Ben was first asked to just come in the mornings to prep before the kitchen got too busy, but very quickly the chefs saw Ben's skill and work ethic and Ben was asked to come in during the evenings and was hired to do outside catering jobs which brought in a little money. Those mornings became completely beneficial to Ben. In the mornings, only Mr Ventano, the head chef and owner, was there with Ben. Ben was able to learn, one on one, directly from Mr. Ventano.
As Ben's internship requirements came to an end, it looked like Ventano was not in a place to hire Ben as a cook (They later offered Ben a job, but they were too late), so Ben went looking for a job else where. Again Ben went through many rejections. Ben searched all over Las Vegas and Henderson for a job. We had no plans to ever leave the Las Vegas area since both of our family's lives in Las Vegas and I had a good job in Las Vegas, but Ben was unable to find an employer willing to hire a deaf chef.
So we decided to try Disney. It was a long shot. A career at Disney would be more than we could ever ask for. A Disney representative was coming to Le Crodon Bleu in Las Vegas to give a presentation and interview students and recent graduates for a culinary internship. Disney was a long shot, but an internship would be Ben's best chance at getting in. Ben only had a 6 month period after graduation to start an internship at Disney until the internship opportunity would be closed to him.
I was able to go to the presentation with Ben, but the interview slots filled up too fast and Ben did not get on the list. The representative was only able to interview 200 people while he was in town so Ben was told to sign up for a telephone interview. Ben wasn't willing to accept this fate. A phone interview would be difficult for Ben since he can't hear. Accommodations could be made, but none of the telephone options were as good as an in person interview with no special accomidationis. So Ben went in to the school where the interviews took place every morning 1 hour before the Disney Representative arrived. Finally, on the last day, the Disney representative arrived just a few minutes early and gave Ben his interview.
Ben felt confidant that he did his best during his interview and was able to use his experience from Ventano to help him greatly. The interviewer even hinted that Ben was likely to get the internship. After a hard few weeks, Ben got the internship. Not only did he get a Disney internship, but he got hired at one of the top Disney restaurants. Citricos was the best restaurant that Ben could ever land at. It's fine dinning and one of the few Disney restaurants with a changing menu. And one of the few restaurants where the cooks and chefs are there for the passion and not just for the money. We later found out that Ben was the only one hired out of the hundreds interviewed at the Le Cordon Bleu, Las Vegas.
We moved to Florida in late February and Ben began working on March 3rd. We bought a new house in Windermere, Florida, but it took longer than expected to finish being built, so we stayed in a hotel in Kissimmee. The hotel was dumpy and scary but one of our only options with our 2 dogs.
We moved into our home in late April while Ben was still doing his Disney Culinary Internship. It was a bold move for us to buy our home because in June, Ben's internship would be over and we would have to look for a job all over again. There was almost no chance that Citricos would need to hire a new cook at the exact same time that Ben would finish his internship and that Ben would be hired for the spot. But Ben's hard work and proven skill landed him the job at Citricos only 2 days after his internship was completed.
Ben is so happy at his job. He loves the work and he loves his co workers. Ben wants to be a Dad even more than I want to be a mom and I know that one day he will make the most amazing dad! He already does such an amazing job with the children I regularly babysit. I'm notoriously bugged by the fact that babies and children like Ben more than me. He has a magic touch. He was made to be a daddy and he will be one day.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Simple Pleasures
Ben is out putting up our Christmas lights as I'm working at my near-by computer.
I've heard lots of "Ow!"s and "shoot!"s
One recent outburst sent me outside to try to supply comfort and support. Ben had made one tiny mistake which of course has to result in starting almost completely over! He was so obviously discouraged. No matter how many times he said "I'm fine," I could tell he needed a little something to lift his spirits today.
So I'm making cinnamon rolls! I always keep a can of instant cinnamon rolls in the fridge for moments like this. By the time he is done fixing his frustrating mistake, he should come inside to the warm delightful smell of freshly cooked cinnamon rolls!
These are the moments I look forward too. Not my hubby getting frustrated, but being a wife. As much as we want to be parents, I am so grateful to just be a wife. I get extra time to leave surprise notes and gestures to help make my man feel loved and important. And that makes me happy too.
I've heard lots of "Ow!"s and "shoot!"s
One recent outburst sent me outside to try to supply comfort and support. Ben had made one tiny mistake which of course has to result in starting almost completely over! He was so obviously discouraged. No matter how many times he said "I'm fine," I could tell he needed a little something to lift his spirits today.
So I'm making cinnamon rolls! I always keep a can of instant cinnamon rolls in the fridge for moments like this. By the time he is done fixing his frustrating mistake, he should come inside to the warm delightful smell of freshly cooked cinnamon rolls!
These are the moments I look forward too. Not my hubby getting frustrated, but being a wife. As much as we want to be parents, I am so grateful to just be a wife. I get extra time to leave surprise notes and gestures to help make my man feel loved and important. And that makes me happy too.
3 Rocking Chairs
I've said it before, and I'm good at repeating myself, I dream of rocking my baby in a rocking chair one day. I love rocking chairs, always have. They sooth me and I want to sooth and cherish my baby in one. When I moved out of my parents house, I took with me the rocking chair my mom got with her first child. That rocking chair is now in our nursery. We hope to fill that nursery one day, but it currently serves as a second guest room and a nursery to the babies we watch in our home.
My second rocking chair I go for my birthday a month ago. Ben splurged and bought me the cracker barrel rocking chair when he saw it on clearance. It sits on my porch and I love it! I love sitting out there when I need a breath of fresh air and when I need to calm a fussy baby. This chair was super handy during bed rest and I wanted to get out of the house.
The last rocking chair was given to me by my dear friends, the Tilitson's, when their neighbors left it behind. This rocking chair will be in our living room. That way I can rock our future baby all the time.
3 rocking chairs may seem and even be excessive, but I feel a strong desire and need for each one. I love rocking chairs and the dream of using them one day. I can't wait to snuggle and rock my future baby.
And a little secret I have, I want one more rocking chair. I want an elegant lay-z boy style rocking chair in our bedroom that Ben could appreciate as well.
Tomorrow's post: "Ben's Story"
My second rocking chair I go for my birthday a month ago. Ben splurged and bought me the cracker barrel rocking chair when he saw it on clearance. It sits on my porch and I love it! I love sitting out there when I need a breath of fresh air and when I need to calm a fussy baby. This chair was super handy during bed rest and I wanted to get out of the house.
The last rocking chair was given to me by my dear friends, the Tilitson's, when their neighbors left it behind. This rocking chair will be in our living room. That way I can rock our future baby all the time.
3 rocking chairs may seem and even be excessive, but I feel a strong desire and need for each one. I love rocking chairs and the dream of using them one day. I can't wait to snuggle and rock my future baby.
And a little secret I have, I want one more rocking chair. I want an elegant lay-z boy style rocking chair in our bedroom that Ben could appreciate as well.
Tomorrow's post: "Ben's Story"
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Accepting this Life
As you've probably figured out by now, I would like a baby. I would like to start a family. But that hasn't happened yet. It isn't my time. I believe that everything happens for a reason and I believe that I will have a baby when I'm supposed to have a baby. And until then, I am happy to nurture other children.
I'm in a good place in life. I teach a primary class of 4 and 5 year olds at church. They're at that perfect age where they say the cutest things and still want to hold your hand and sit on your lap. There are 4 families who live nearby that I babysit for regularly, all of whom I love and adore. And my friends with kids like to come visit since I live only minutes from Walt Disney World. I kinda get the perks of being a grandma. I get to love and nurture and play with all of these children and babies, then return them to their parents when they are fussy, sick or stinky.
I feel as if I have come into some children's lives for a reason. I can help these children in ways that only I can. The most inspired example of this this has come from the Tillotson Family. Read more about my experience with the Tillotson Family HERE.
The Tillotson kids are some pretty special kids to have such amazing parents. I watch Kim in awe as an example as the mom I want to be some day. Kim and Josh have 7 children. Nate, Gabby, James, Andrew, Natasha, Abigail, and Corban. Each of these children have touched my heart. Natasha and Abigail have touched many hearts. Tasha and Abby are 4 1/2 years old. They were both born with Down Syndrome and they both have Leukemia. Tasha and Abby are the sweetest girls you will ever meet. All they want is to be loved and snuggled and all I want is to love and snuggle them. They alone fulfill my nurturing desires. And so have many other children.
I'm happy where I'm at. I would like a baby, but I would be okay if this were my life forever. It's a pretty good one and I truly am happy. I love my blessings and I love my trials. My trials make me stronger and are a part of who I am. And I am happy.
Tomorrow's Post: "3 Rocking Chairs"
I'm in a good place in life. I teach a primary class of 4 and 5 year olds at church. They're at that perfect age where they say the cutest things and still want to hold your hand and sit on your lap. There are 4 families who live nearby that I babysit for regularly, all of whom I love and adore. And my friends with kids like to come visit since I live only minutes from Walt Disney World. I kinda get the perks of being a grandma. I get to love and nurture and play with all of these children and babies, then return them to their parents when they are fussy, sick or stinky.
I feel as if I have come into some children's lives for a reason. I can help these children in ways that only I can. The most inspired example of this this has come from the Tillotson Family. Read more about my experience with the Tillotson Family HERE.
The Tillotson kids are some pretty special kids to have such amazing parents. I watch Kim in awe as an example as the mom I want to be some day. Kim and Josh have 7 children. Nate, Gabby, James, Andrew, Natasha, Abigail, and Corban. Each of these children have touched my heart. Natasha and Abigail have touched many hearts. Tasha and Abby are 4 1/2 years old. They were both born with Down Syndrome and they both have Leukemia. Tasha and Abby are the sweetest girls you will ever meet. All they want is to be loved and snuggled and all I want is to love and snuggle them. They alone fulfill my nurturing desires. And so have many other children.
I'm happy where I'm at. I would like a baby, but I would be okay if this were my life forever. It's a pretty good one and I truly am happy. I love my blessings and I love my trials. My trials make me stronger and are a part of who I am. And I am happy.
Tomorrow's Post: "3 Rocking Chairs"
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
The Kids
Because we don't have the children that we want to much yet, we baby our dogs a bit much.
We got Rafiki (named after the Monkey in the Lion King) only weeks after the wedding. Rafiki is a Yorkie full of energy. He was so tiny and precious. He became very lonely and sad though and wanted our attention every second. So we decided to get him a sister.
Less than a month later, we came home with Kamaria. Kamaria is a Morkie (Maltese yorkie mix) with a kind and gentle heart.
She's scared of men and their giant hands and quickly forms strong attachments to women and she begs them to hold her all the time.
These guys are spoiled beyond repair and don't know it. They have lots of doggy friends in the neighborhood who seem to be similarly spoiled. When I'm well they get up to 6 walks a day. When I'm not well they have to live with going potty in our small back yard.
They sure are good at giving unconditional love and keeping me from going insane from loneliness after Ben leaves for work.
Tomorrow's Post: "Accepting this Life"
We got Rafiki (named after the Monkey in the Lion King) only weeks after the wedding. Rafiki is a Yorkie full of energy. He was so tiny and precious. He became very lonely and sad though and wanted our attention every second. So we decided to get him a sister.
Less than a month later, we came home with Kamaria. Kamaria is a Morkie (Maltese yorkie mix) with a kind and gentle heart.
She's scared of men and their giant hands and quickly forms strong attachments to women and she begs them to hold her all the time.
These guys are spoiled beyond repair and don't know it. They have lots of doggy friends in the neighborhood who seem to be similarly spoiled. When I'm well they get up to 6 walks a day. When I'm not well they have to live with going potty in our small back yard.
They sure are good at giving unconditional love and keeping me from going insane from loneliness after Ben leaves for work.
 |
| Rafiki running my blog for me. He thinks he'll get attention if he sits in my seat. |
Tomorrow's Post: "Accepting this Life"
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
The Hard Moments of a Miscarriage
Miscarriages are hard. As much as I deny it in person and put on my happy face, it is hard. The joy of finding out you're going to have a baby followed by anticipation and preparation, only to be ripped away in such a painful way.
After miscarriage number 3 it becomes expected. But then I have to make hard decision. Go on bed rest and stop my life for this baby that probably won't make it? Or live my life and let happen what happens and live with the regret knowing that I may have killed my baby? I am happy that this worrying if over. I have come to terms with not being a mom and and I get to enjoy my life.
The process of miscarriage is painful. I forget how painful it is each time. I am grateful for a husband who fills up a tub of water and turns on relaxing music and pumps me full of painkillers. That tiny thing causes a whole lot of pain, I can't image what it would feel like giving birth to a full gorwn baby.
You know whats harder than trying loosing baby weight? Trying to loose baby weight without the baby. The weeks following my miscarriage during my morning runs, all I want to do is push a jogging stroller. I have been tempted to push an empty one. This desire and instinct is hard to shake. I want a baby, so bad, but I understand it's not time yet.
And the hardest part of miscarrying, The "I know what you're going through"s. "My brother's wife's cousin's friend went through this exact same thing. So I understand." Everybody understands what I have gone through. Everybody. Everybody knows somebody who has gone through it so they know the pain and understand it. The hardest part of a miscarriage is the pity party that follows. It's unavoidable. As much as I try to not let people know I'm pregnant, it can become unavoidable when I have to go on bed rest, which means the pity party has to come too.
I look forward to the day that nobody any longer thinks I'm pregnant and all condolences are given. I am thankful for the love, but can't wait for the pity to be over.
Tomorrow's Post: "The Kids" (hint: It's about our dogs)
After miscarriage number 3 it becomes expected. But then I have to make hard decision. Go on bed rest and stop my life for this baby that probably won't make it? Or live my life and let happen what happens and live with the regret knowing that I may have killed my baby? I am happy that this worrying if over. I have come to terms with not being a mom and and I get to enjoy my life.
The process of miscarriage is painful. I forget how painful it is each time. I am grateful for a husband who fills up a tub of water and turns on relaxing music and pumps me full of painkillers. That tiny thing causes a whole lot of pain, I can't image what it would feel like giving birth to a full gorwn baby.
You know whats harder than trying loosing baby weight? Trying to loose baby weight without the baby. The weeks following my miscarriage during my morning runs, all I want to do is push a jogging stroller. I have been tempted to push an empty one. This desire and instinct is hard to shake. I want a baby, so bad, but I understand it's not time yet.
And the hardest part of miscarrying, The "I know what you're going through"s. "My brother's wife's cousin's friend went through this exact same thing. So I understand." Everybody understands what I have gone through. Everybody. Everybody knows somebody who has gone through it so they know the pain and understand it. The hardest part of a miscarriage is the pity party that follows. It's unavoidable. As much as I try to not let people know I'm pregnant, it can become unavoidable when I have to go on bed rest, which means the pity party has to come too.
I look forward to the day that nobody any longer thinks I'm pregnant and all condolences are given. I am thankful for the love, but can't wait for the pity to be over.
Tomorrow's Post: "The Kids" (hint: It's about our dogs)
Monday, November 26, 2012
The Tillotson's
About 3 months ago I decided that I NEEDED a job. I have tried to get a job before here in Florida but my pregnancies have gotten in the way a little bit. But it was time that I finally obtain a job and start contributing to our little family. I applied for many jobs. Somewhere around 35 solid job leads. I spent every spare minute of every day for over a week searching and applying for jobs. I got absolutely no response. At the time I felt discouraged, but now I understand there was a greater purpose. Had I gotten my way and found a job, I would not have been in a position to help the Tillotson family in the way they needed my help.
I met Kim at a church activity and we connected well. She called me a couple days later and asked me to be her regular babysitter. I came over and she taught me the ways of her house and I became their babysitter. My first day of babysitting went well. I got to know each of Kim's 7 children. Including Natasha and Abigail who both have down syndrom and Luekemia. Just 2 days after my first babysitting experience, Kim called and told me that they had to rush Abigail to the hospital. She got a virus that was fighting her little fragile body. I was able to drop what I was doing and go watch the 6 other Tillotson children. Abby was in the hospital for a few weeks and I spent almost every day at the Tillotson home so that Kim could spend time with Abby at the hospital and run errands while her husband stayed at the hospital with Abby full time. It was a joyous day when Abby came home, but only six hours later, Natasha had to be taken to the hospital.
I spent more time with the Tillotson family than with my husband. Had I gotten a job like I hoped for, I would not have been available for the Tillotson family they way they needed me to be. This family has become my family. They make me feel so loved and needed. Tasha and Abby just want to be snuggled all day, and I just want to snuggle them all day. It's a great little situation that we have worked out. Each Tillotson child has touched me and changed my life for the better. I love my realationship with this family. They have blessed my life so much and they have answered my prayers. I have family here now and a friend in Kim. They make me happy and I am so blessed.
Tomorrow's Post: "The Hard Moments of Miscarriage"
Tomorrow's Post: "The Hard Moments of Miscarriage"
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Announcements
How many cute announcements can we come up with? Here are some of the ones we've come up with in our past 9 pregnancies:
Sending Grandma and Grandpa books to our parents
Giving "World's best Uncle" shirts to our brothers
Writing the word "We're" on a can of "Prego" spaghetti sauce and giving it as a gift.
Giving a pea in a pod
Taking a picture of a bun in the oven
But these are our favorites.
Alexandra helped us with this one.
And another favorite that ALMOST got posted onto Facebook for the world to see! So glad we didn't because we would have had to immediately post the Miscarriage announcement which isn't as fun. And even worse when some friends don't get that second announcement.
None of our announcements have ever made it's way to facebook. We want to be sure we're having a baby before we tell the world. So people may find out we're prego at around 6 or 7 months. We'll see how that turns out.
Tomorrow's Post: "The Tillotsons"
Tomorrow's Post: "The Tillotsons"
Saturday, November 24, 2012
It's Time
To avoid thinking about the fact that it's time to tell everybody who knew I was pregnant, that I miscarried and that it's time to receive more pity and "I know exactly what you're going through"s (because a friend of their sister in-laws cousin had a miscarriage this one time)...
I have decided to focus on the fun "it's time"s!
It's time to...
Ride Roller Coasters!
Go Shopping
Walk my dogs
Go Running
Play with other people's children
Schedule photo shoots
Take pictures of everything!
Get carpel tunnel (from taking all of those pictures :)
Get a job?
Make cute surprises for my hubby!
Go to Disney World!
Read a book on the rocking chairs of the Animal Kingdom Lodge
Take on responsibilities
Clean my house
Do laundry
Start a project
Help others
All of those day-to-day activities that are so easy to take for granted. I'm just excited to be off the couch and out of bed! Time to turn up the music and have some fun!
Tomorrow's Post: "Announcements"
I have decided to focus on the fun "it's time"s!
It's time to...
Ride Roller Coasters!
Go Shopping
Walk my dogs
Go Running
Play with other people's children
Schedule photo shoots
Take pictures of everything!
Get carpel tunnel (from taking all of those pictures :)
Get a job?
Make cute surprises for my hubby!
Go to Disney World!
Read a book on the rocking chairs of the Animal Kingdom Lodge
Take on responsibilities
Clean my house
Do laundry
Start a project
Help others
All of those day-to-day activities that are so easy to take for granted. I'm just excited to be off the couch and out of bed! Time to turn up the music and have some fun!
Tomorrow's Post: "Announcements"
Friday, November 23, 2012
Today was a Happy Day
Today was a happy day.
It didn't exactly start out that way. Black Friday shopping may not have been the best thing for me this morning.
But after our short lived black friday shopping was done and Ben went to work, I went to the Tillotson home. Little Abby and Tasha sure know how to cheer me up!
We took pictures, played christmas music, put up the Christmas tree, Put up Christmas Lights and dipped pretzels into chocolate! It's the day after Thanksgiving and Christmas is in full swing at the Tillotson house! It was so fun. A little chaotic with 7 children, but it was exactly what I needed today.
Driving home I saw many homes with Christmas lights up. What a way to lift my spirits!
It didn't exactly start out that way. Black Friday shopping may not have been the best thing for me this morning.
But after our short lived black friday shopping was done and Ben went to work, I went to the Tillotson home. Little Abby and Tasha sure know how to cheer me up!
We took pictures, played christmas music, put up the Christmas tree, Put up Christmas Lights and dipped pretzels into chocolate! It's the day after Thanksgiving and Christmas is in full swing at the Tillotson house! It was so fun. A little chaotic with 7 children, but it was exactly what I needed today.
Driving home I saw many homes with Christmas lights up. What a way to lift my spirits!
Time to loose the Baby (and Thanksgiving) weight
After 3 thanksgiving meals and a miscarriage, it's time to start loosing the baby weight. Somehow, this baby must have weighed 25 lbs. Which would explain the pain that came with the miscarriage. Now I have to loose the weight I gained, plus some please.
I've been through this before. Loosing weight is hard. Loosing baby weight is harder. Loosing baby weight without the baby, feels like the hardest. I still have nesting and mothering insticts. I always do really. The pregnancy just amplified them. More than anything, I want to hold my baby and rock him in my rocking chair or push him in a jogging stroller. And thats all I can think about when I run after a miscarriage. I long for the feeling of that stroller as I jog. I've been tempted to buy a jogging stroller and run with an empty stroller or throw one of my dogs in there. It's an unexplainable but completely consuming urge that is impossible to shake.
But I continue to run through the tears. I need to be healthy for the next baby.
I am so grateful to my sexy running partner, my hubby, Ben. I have a lot of catching up to do. We have an "Easy Run" 3 times a week, which is easy for him, but hard for me. He runs at my level for me. Then we have a hard run 1-2 times a week where I ride my bike and still struggle to keep pace with Ben as he runs. Any remaining days we do strength training or yoga.
Ben is helping me get healthy. He is always there for me. He lightens my load and helps me through trials. I sure do love that boy.
Tomorrow's Post: "It's Time"
Tomorrow's Post: "It's Time"
Thursday, November 22, 2012
It's Time to be Thankful
I'm happy that ThanksGiving is coming the day after my ninth miscarriage. I have so much to be Thankful for! So much. Four blessings come to mind today. It's easier to see who really is a blessing in your life when going through a trial.
Alexandra Beckstrand
I feel bad every time I tell Alexandra that I'm pregnant because that means she has to go through the excitement then disappointment of a failed pregnancy with me. She wants to be an aunt as much as I want to be a mom. Alexandra and I have been Best Friends since we were 2! We were each others Maid of Honors. We went to joy school together and at the start of Kindergarten we attended the same school. My family and I moved to another neighborhood during my kindergarden year, and somehow we have remained best friends against all odds. Even now that I'm in Florida and she is in Nevada, we remain bestfriends. She has always been the closest thing to a sister to me, and my children will know her as Aunt Alexandra. She is always there for me even when I don't deserve it. She thinks of others before herself. She's the perfect example of who I want to be.
Kimberly Tillotson and the Tillotson Family
The Tillotson's moved to Florida just a couple months before me. Those were a hard couple of months. I was in Florida without any family of friends. I meet so many wonder people in Florida, but Kim is different. Kim hired me as their regular babysitter, but after the job was done, I just couldn't leave. I fell in love with the Tillotson family and they have become my family. I never have to be alone on evening when my hubby goes to work. My birthday was last month, and when I came home from the airport at 2 in the morning, I had found that the Tillotson family had made cards and a yummy treat for me and they "Heart attacked" my garage! And they did all of this at 1 in the morning! I have been given so much love by this family and they have been an answer to all of my prayers.
Mom and Dad
I have the best parents ever. I am the first child to move away from the family and I am the only girl, which automatically makes me the most special child :). (AKA, the favorite). I have seen my parents almost every single month since I have moved to Florida in March and I talk to them on the phone almost every day. I know that moving to Florida was the best decision for us, but I so wish we could be living 5 minutes away from my parents again. There are so many times I just want to drive over there and feel their love. But being apart makes each visit even more special and I am so grateful that those visits occur so often! I thrive on the countdown to the next time I get to see my parents.
Benjamin Stewart
My hubby. He seems to love me as much as I love him, but I don't think thats possible. He thinks of me first and never causes contention. When I get angry, he becomes affectionate and calm. He always supports me and completely gets me. He provides for our family and I know he will be the most amazing father someday because he already is so amazing with the children that are in our lives. It's so fun watching him in a fatherly position, and I can't wait for him to become a father. I love being his wife. I love every second we spend together and I can never ever get enough of him!
There are so many more people to be Thankful for. Ben's parents have been there with love for us so much and I have the most amazing in-laws EVER! I love spending time with them and I wish I could spend time with them more often.
My brothers and Sister in law. I am not close in age with my brothers, which has made for very unique relationships. I respect and love each of my siblings and love the moments spent together, even the moments spent playing Starcraft together. I sure do miss Sunday dinners together.
I am so thankful for the loving support from our extended families, I still remember our wedding day and tear up. I couldn't believe how much family came and how much they helped and supported us.
And I am so grateful for the love and support received from church members. They make moving a possibility and make my life better.
I am also grateful for my wonderful friends and neighbors.
I am so blessed. Thank you.
Tomorrow's post: "Time to Loose the Baby (and Thanksgiving) weight"
Alexandra BeckstrandI feel bad every time I tell Alexandra that I'm pregnant because that means she has to go through the excitement then disappointment of a failed pregnancy with me. She wants to be an aunt as much as I want to be a mom. Alexandra and I have been Best Friends since we were 2! We were each others Maid of Honors. We went to joy school together and at the start of Kindergarten we attended the same school. My family and I moved to another neighborhood during my kindergarden year, and somehow we have remained best friends against all odds. Even now that I'm in Florida and she is in Nevada, we remain bestfriends. She has always been the closest thing to a sister to me, and my children will know her as Aunt Alexandra. She is always there for me even when I don't deserve it. She thinks of others before herself. She's the perfect example of who I want to be.
Kimberly Tillotson and the Tillotson Family
The Tillotson's moved to Florida just a couple months before me. Those were a hard couple of months. I was in Florida without any family of friends. I meet so many wonder people in Florida, but Kim is different. Kim hired me as their regular babysitter, but after the job was done, I just couldn't leave. I fell in love with the Tillotson family and they have become my family. I never have to be alone on evening when my hubby goes to work. My birthday was last month, and when I came home from the airport at 2 in the morning, I had found that the Tillotson family had made cards and a yummy treat for me and they "Heart attacked" my garage! And they did all of this at 1 in the morning! I have been given so much love by this family and they have been an answer to all of my prayers.
Mom and DadI have the best parents ever. I am the first child to move away from the family and I am the only girl, which automatically makes me the most special child :). (AKA, the favorite). I have seen my parents almost every single month since I have moved to Florida in March and I talk to them on the phone almost every day. I know that moving to Florida was the best decision for us, but I so wish we could be living 5 minutes away from my parents again. There are so many times I just want to drive over there and feel their love. But being apart makes each visit even more special and I am so grateful that those visits occur so often! I thrive on the countdown to the next time I get to see my parents.
Benjamin StewartMy hubby. He seems to love me as much as I love him, but I don't think thats possible. He thinks of me first and never causes contention. When I get angry, he becomes affectionate and calm. He always supports me and completely gets me. He provides for our family and I know he will be the most amazing father someday because he already is so amazing with the children that are in our lives. It's so fun watching him in a fatherly position, and I can't wait for him to become a father. I love being his wife. I love every second we spend together and I can never ever get enough of him!
There are so many more people to be Thankful for. Ben's parents have been there with love for us so much and I have the most amazing in-laws EVER! I love spending time with them and I wish I could spend time with them more often.
My brothers and Sister in law. I am not close in age with my brothers, which has made for very unique relationships. I respect and love each of my siblings and love the moments spent together, even the moments spent playing Starcraft together. I sure do miss Sunday dinners together.
I am so thankful for the loving support from our extended families, I still remember our wedding day and tear up. I couldn't believe how much family came and how much they helped and supported us.
And I am so grateful for the love and support received from church members. They make moving a possibility and make my life better.
I am also grateful for my wonderful friends and neighbors.
I am so blessed. Thank you.
Tomorrow's post: "Time to Loose the Baby (and Thanksgiving) weight"
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
One more angel in heaven
I'm not sure when a baby gets its soul. At conception? At birth? Somewhere in between? But I like to think that there are 9 little angels in heaven watching over me. This helps me get through the tough times.
I may not have this baby now, but I'll have quite the welcoming in heaven one day. One day far from now.
I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that I will one day have a baby, when its time. Until then, I will cherish the moments I get to spend with my husband, the opportunity to help other children, and sleep.
Tomorrow's post: "It's Time to be Thankful"
I may not have this baby now, but I'll have quite the welcoming in heaven one day. One day far from now.
I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that I will one day have a baby, when its time. Until then, I will cherish the moments I get to spend with my husband, the opportunity to help other children, and sleep.
Tomorrow's post: "It's Time to be Thankful"
Miscarriage #9
In a way I feel relieved. And not in the way one may think. I want a baby more than anything, and if it were my choice, I would still be pregnant. But now there is no more worrying.
No more getting up to pee, scared, hoping not to find blood
No more analyzing every small pain or cramp wondering if I should call my doctor
No more wondering if my dog just hurt my belly by jumping on my lap
No more worrying that I moved to fast and killed my own baby
No more ridiculous cravings
No more bed rest
No more feeling guilty for doing absolutely nothing around the house
No more adding to my husband's work load
No more people telling me I have to have hope, or it will happen this time
No more trying to hide the fact that I'm pregnant while being on full bed rest
No more wondering if today will be the day it will happen
No more wondering if I feel it coming
No more worrying when I feel too good
No more "I can't do that"s
No more telling the twins I can't play with them or hold them
No more restrictions
No more wheelchairs
No more lectures
No more wondering when I'll have to disappoint everybody again
No more being sad for no reason
No more wondering if this will be the one, and should I have hope?
No more just wishing, more than anything, to know will I have a baby at the end of this?
No more pity
No more worrying
The baby hasn't come yet but he's on his way. I will probably experience different emotions when that happens. My hubby is home and sleeping. He's so peaceful, I don't want to disrupt that. I need to be strong so that he knows I'm okay before he goes to work. Worrying won't help anything.
Time to have a baby.
No more getting up to pee, scared, hoping not to find blood
No more analyzing every small pain or cramp wondering if I should call my doctor
No more wondering if my dog just hurt my belly by jumping on my lap
No more worrying that I moved to fast and killed my own baby
No more ridiculous cravings
No more bed rest
No more feeling guilty for doing absolutely nothing around the house
No more adding to my husband's work load
No more people telling me I have to have hope, or it will happen this time
No more trying to hide the fact that I'm pregnant while being on full bed rest
No more wondering if today will be the day it will happen
No more wondering if I feel it coming
No more worrying when I feel too good
No more "I can't do that"s
No more telling the twins I can't play with them or hold them
No more restrictions
No more wheelchairs
No more lectures
No more wondering when I'll have to disappoint everybody again
No more being sad for no reason
No more wondering if this will be the one, and should I have hope?
No more just wishing, more than anything, to know will I have a baby at the end of this?
No more pity
No more worrying
The baby hasn't come yet but he's on his way. I will probably experience different emotions when that happens. My hubby is home and sleeping. He's so peaceful, I don't want to disrupt that. I need to be strong so that he knows I'm okay before he goes to work. Worrying won't help anything.
Time to have a baby.
Welcome to My Diary
My name is McKenzie Stewart. I am Married to a wonderful man and currently live in Florida. I have had 9 miscarriages and no children.
I have started this blog for 2 reasons. One being for others. I try not to tell everyone that I'm pregnant, but when I have to go on bed rest and suddenly I'm absent in the world, a few people have to find out. I try to keep the pity after a miscarriage to a minimum by staying positive, but I know there are lots of questions and gaps to be filled in.
And the most important reason I started this blog is for me. This is my escape and my therapy. This is personal and I put everything out there. My life is filled with blessings and happiness but it would be a lie to say that these miscarriages haven't made a significant impact in my life.
All the feelings that I've kept inside are now out for my sake and anybody how wants to know.
I have started this blog for 2 reasons. One being for others. I try not to tell everyone that I'm pregnant, but when I have to go on bed rest and suddenly I'm absent in the world, a few people have to find out. I try to keep the pity after a miscarriage to a minimum by staying positive, but I know there are lots of questions and gaps to be filled in.
And the most important reason I started this blog is for me. This is my escape and my therapy. This is personal and I put everything out there. My life is filled with blessings and happiness but it would be a lie to say that these miscarriages haven't made a significant impact in my life.
All the feelings that I've kept inside are now out for my sake and anybody how wants to know.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)