Miscarriages are hard. As much as I deny it in person and put on my happy face, it is hard. The joy of finding out you're going to have a baby followed by anticipation and preparation, only to be ripped away in such a painful way.
After miscarriage number 3 it becomes expected. But then I have to make hard decision. Go on bed rest and stop my life for this baby that probably won't make it? Or live my life and let happen what happens and live with the regret knowing that I may have killed my baby? I am happy that this worrying if over. I have come to terms with not being a mom and and I get to enjoy my life.
The process of miscarriage is painful. I forget how painful it is each time. I am grateful for a husband who fills up a tub of water and turns on relaxing music and pumps me full of painkillers. That tiny thing causes a whole lot of pain, I can't image what it would feel like giving birth to a full gorwn baby.
You know whats harder than trying loosing baby weight? Trying to loose baby weight without the baby. The weeks following my miscarriage during my morning runs, all I want to do is push a jogging stroller. I have been tempted to push an empty one. This desire and instinct is hard to shake. I want a baby, so bad, but I understand it's not time yet.
And the hardest part of miscarrying, The "I know what you're going through"s. "My brother's wife's cousin's friend went through this exact same thing. So I understand." Everybody understands what I have gone through. Everybody. Everybody knows somebody who has gone through it so they know the pain and understand it. The hardest part of a miscarriage is the pity party that follows. It's unavoidable. As much as I try to not let people know I'm pregnant, it can become unavoidable when I have to go on bed rest, which means the pity party has to come too.
I look forward to the day that nobody any longer thinks I'm pregnant and all condolences are given. I am thankful for the love, but can't wait for the pity to be over.
Tomorrow's Post: "The Kids" (hint: It's about our dogs)
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